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Marja
What is my age: 27
What is my nationaly: I'm thai
Eye tone: Huge hazel green eyes
What is my favourite drink: Liqueur
What I prefer to listen: Easy listening
Smoker: No

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I am now at the age where I play sudoku to unwind. I find its claims dubious. How much money does Cedric the Entertainer really need right now? Did Cedric do a Cameo for someone without realizing it would be used in a shitty ad like this? And then, there are the horny iPhone games. I am apparently an ideal target audience for these .

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I fit the profile. What are those? I know not of what you speak!

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Not me, though. Remember "Game of War"? With the Kate Upton ? If you DO remember, well then you need more memorable things in your life.

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You know we can listen to the surface of Mars now, right? I could play these games. I could explore the seedy underbelly of the App Store and languish in its lesser wares. This was not an easy task.

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Everything in our house is on a shared network. I double-checked, and then I double-checked again.

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And then I double-checked one more time. What if these games asked me for my phoneman? What then?

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I soldiered on. The game did not ask me for my personal information, and I was grateful for the courtesy. The way this game, if it can be called that, works is that you have to earn money, crystals and energy being horny takes energy!

Along the way, you get to have an automated chat with Emily. One time Emily complained about a photographer pestering her, and I was given a range of answers to volley back.

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One of them was this:. I picked that one, to see what kind of ethical lesson the game would teach me. I was summarily rewarded with a saucy photo of Emily to go into my game album. The game also makes Emily react anytime you touch your finger to her. When I did this once not on purpose, I swear!

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Would I also splurge on chocolate to make Emily happy? Surely I would. To get her more fancy crap, I could either make the dreaded in-app purchase, or I could watch some. I watched the .

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I cannot escape "Wordscapes," but I was able to afford a better haircut for Emily as a result. Much shinier.

Magary: i played a bunch of horny iphone games for journalism

Me, I had a life to live. My son could play "Kiss of War. I had to choose a country. I chose Russia: land of erotic mystery. I had to choose an officer.

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One, named Linda, wore standard Lara Croft attire, but with stockings. One was dressed in a tight black leather trench coat — the height of fascist chic — with stockings peeking out underneath. The last one was decked out in midriff-baring camo. With stockings. I picked Linda.

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Linda told me she got really turned on by tanks. Donald Trump Jr. As soon as the game started, Linda asked me if I wanted to get a drink. I did. To get closer to your officers, you have to increase your trust points with them by winning battles and whatnot.

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Just like how the regular armed forces work. With her stockings out.

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To save her, I had to do all the Clash Of Boom Beach nonsense where you tap little prompts on a microscopic battlefield and the game does the rest of the work for you. Does any of this sh—ty gameplay pay off in the end? Guess what? I was over the horny part and just wanted to play video games at this point. What a twist! And if I had increased my intimacy points, maybe I could have slept with a lady barracks mate! Was I turned on at any point playing these games?

Oh sure.

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But turning me on is not a ificant accomplishment. I get turned on leafing through restaurant menus. There are only, like, four good iPhone games, and all of them are " The Room " games. The rest are interactive spam. The misogyny is ALL these games have. So, so lonely.

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I played horny-ass iPhone games. For you. A screenshot from "Kiss of War," a mobile game which Drew Magary played for journalism. Kiss of War This was not an easy task.

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Screenshots from "Producer," a mobile game where the player guides a model's career. Producer I soldiered on. Top shopping picks. The 10 best summertime recovery snacks for runners. How to stream the Olympics. How to set up your own stock tank pool. Things to do in San Francisco this weekend.